雅思写作段落精细修改2016雅思写作段落精细修改范例雅思成绩被越来越多的外国驻华企业所认可。英语水平是外企招聘中国雇员的重要标准之一，而雅思成绩则被外企作为客观、全面反应应聘者英语水平的硬件指标。以下是yjbys网小编整理的关于雅思写作段落精细修改范例，供大家备考。学生版本(6分)：Violentcrimeismorecommonphenomenoninthemoderncity,somepeopleclaimthatpolicecarryingwithgunswouldpromoteit,butIdon'treckonthereisnonecessarylinkbetweenthem.修改后版本:7分示范Violentcrimeisararephenomenoninmoderncities.Whilesomepeopleclaimthatpolicemencarryingwithgunswouldstimulatethisviolation,Istillreckonthatthesetwopartiesarecloselyrelevantandconversely,thearmedpolicemenwouldbenefittosocialsecurity.考生作文解析：Violentcrimeismorecommonphenomenon(暴力犯罪是很少见的，但是有些学生很随便的“模板”思维就说，这是个很寻常的事情，殊不知这给考官会留下很差的逻辑不严谨的印象。需要修改为：ararephenomenon不符合常情)inthemoderncity,somepeopleclaimthatpolicecarryingwithgunswouldpromote(stimulate用词不准确)it,butIdon'treckonthereisnonecessarylinkbetweenthem.修改后版本:7分示范Violentcrimeisararephenomenoninmoderncities.(背景句要符合事实，客观细化描述)Whilesomepeopleclaimthatpolicemencarryingwithgunswouldstimulatethis(用代词指代前面出现的名词，是高分作文的特点，能增加句子和句子之间衔接的力度)violation(词汇的多样性体现),istillreckon(表达观点时候，先写对方然后写自己能够句子之间的逻辑，是批判性思维的'体现)thatthesetwoparties(用代词指代前面出现的名词，是高分作文的特点，能增加句子和句子之间衔接的力度)arecloselyrelevantandconversely,thearmedpolicemenwouldbenefittosocialsecurity.(学会写并列句andthus,andtherefore,andconversely能有效增加句子展开的力度学生版本(6分)：Thereareseveralelementswhichcouldeffectpeople’sjobsatisfaction.Firstly,salaryisthefundamentaldemandofseekingawork.Majorityofpeopleconsiderthatthemoremoneytheyearnthemorehappytheygetbecausepeoplecansupporttheirfamilybetterwithahigherwage。改版本答案用来回答：是哪些因素影响雇员的工作满意度。考生作文解析：学生的答案，语法问题一处，就是effect是名词，要修改成动词affect,这2个词容易混淆。另外的主要问题是中国学生一般英文不注重CC就是连贯度的问题，就是句子和句子之间的逻辑和内在联系不够，即使表面上是有：外在连接词的。Thereareseveralcontributingfactors(直接用地道词伙，效果更好)leadingtojobsatisfaction.Firstly,salaryistheprerequisite(直接用地道词伙，效果更好)tothedecentjobasthemajorityofemployees(写雇员，不要再写PEOPLE)considerthatthemoremoneythey(用they来指代前面出现的人，能够提高句子和句子的衔接)earn,themorehappytheywillget,whichisobviousinthishighlypricedsociety.(解释一下为什么钱重要的原因，是本段用来展开作文的理由的关键)修改