大学英语四级考试写作典型例文精彩点评(一)2003年9月考试四级作文题：TheDayMyClassmateFellIll(orGotInjured)提纲：1.简单叙述一下这位同学生病(或受伤)的情况2.同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的3.人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……例1.(2分段)Oneday,weareallinclassroom.Wangfangsaid,"Oh!"Weallseeherandfoundthatshewascrying!Teacherturnedtoaskherwhatwaswrong.Shesaid,"Idogotafever,myheadisveryhot!"FengGangsentshetohospital,weallfollowedthey.Inthehospital,doctorWanggiveainjecttoher,shegraduallycalmandnothotasbefore.Weallthankedthedoctor.点评：未能按照题目要求写，没有着重写"同学、老师和我是如何帮助他/她的""人与人之间的这种相互关爱给我的感受是……"。条理不清，思路紊乱，大部分句子均有错误，有的甚至影响理解。原文修改后：Oneday,whenwewereallinclassroom.,WangfangSuddenlycried,,"Oh!"Wealllookedatherandfoundthatshewasgroaning.Teacherturnedtoaskherwhatwaswrong.Shesaid,"Ihavegotafever,myheadisveryhot!"Immediately,ourteachersenthertohospital,andweallfollowedthem.Inthehospital,weaskeddoctorWangtogiveaninjectiontoher,andshegraduallybecamecalmandnotashotasbefore.Weallthankedthedoctor.Thedayhaspassed,butitisclearlyinmymind.Ithinkifwecandothingslikethatintheincident,thesocietywillbebetter,andtherelationshipbetweenpeoplewillbebetteraswell!例2.(5分段)Lastweek,liningandIstudiedinclassroom.Suddenly,liningsaidtomethathehadaheadache.Iaskedhetoseedoctor.hesaiditwasnotbad.After5miniuts,liningsaitomehisheadacheveryserious.SoIhelpedhimgotohosptial.Studentsandteacherheardliningwenttohosptial,allofthemwenttothehosptial.Someteacheraskedliningdontworry,itwillbegood.Somestudentsaskedliningtakecareofhimself.liningsaidthathewasverymoved.Thoughtthisthings,Ithinkalot.Theworldisbeautiful,becausethelovefilledinit.peoplecanhelpeachotherwhenwhoareintrouble.点评：本文基本切题。语句衔接不自然，简单句使用得太多，有些表达不太准确，有明显的中文痕迹。要加强衔接词的运用，单复句的转换，句式的多样化，还有语言基本功的训练。原文修改后：Lastweek,LiningandIstudiedinclassroom.Suddenly,liningtoldmethathehadaheadache.Iaskedhimtoseethedoctor.hesaiditwasnotsoserious.After5minutes,Liningtoldmethathisheadachebecameworse.SoIhelpedhimgotohospital.WhenStudentsandteachersheardthatLininghadgonetohospital,allofthemwenttothehospital.SometeachersaskedLiningnottoworryandtotakecareofhimself.Liningsaidthath